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Monday, May 5, 2008
The Horror Heroine Effectiveness Scale, Part 4
(Check out Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of the scale!) How it works: For the next few weeks, I'll be serving up two rankings every Monday. Since this is a scale, we'll be going from number 10 -- the absolutely least effective Survival Horror heroine out there -- all the way to number 1 -- the greatest of the great. 4. Aya Brea  Appears In: Parasite Eve (PS1, 1998), Parasite Eve II (PS1, 2000)Horror Effectiveness: Cool Under Fire Rationale: So poor Aya's pretty much suffered through the Worst Christmas Ever. What's a girl to do when her mediocre date at Carnegie Hall is rudely interrupted by the spontaneous combustion of every member in the audience? Yank a handgun from her evening gown and kick some ass, of course! Aya, a detective for the 17th Precinct of the NYPD, spends her six days of Christmas hell battling horribly deformed animals, navigating around wriggling burn victims, and chasing an Opera Singer Slash Mitochrondria Mutant Who Also Artificially Inseminates Herself With Super Sperm, all without breaking a sweat. Parasite Eve's kickass battle system succeeds where Koudelka fails: combining the best of RPG experienced-based leveling, hybrid turn-based / real time battles, and weapon customization with some serious Survival Horror atmosphere. When your game features one of the most disturbing cutscenes in PS1 history -- the mutating rat, anyone? -- you know you've got a winner. Our half Caucasian, half Japanese heroine ends up playing One-Woman Army for the NYPD due to some special mitochondria that protects her from the immolating fun of antagonist Eve. Along the way, she's given a helping hand by her partner, Daniel Dollis, and a scientist named Kunihiko Maeda, both of whom ultimately must leave the fighting up to her. No worries, however -- Aya's not only tough enough to give Eve her due, she also single-handedly delivers a nuke and contends with the birth of the Ultimate Being, all with enough time to catch another opera when everything's said and done. The Bottom Line: If you were stepping over the twitching bodies of the crispy dead with her, you'd best listen and put on some comfy shoes when she says the next stop is the Chrysler Building. 3. Jill Valentine  Appears In: The Resident Evil seriesHorror Effectiveness: Undead-Erasing Expert Rationale: Allow me to introduce the Queen of Zombie-Stomping, the Empress of Unlocking, the Czarina of Bomb Disposal, a woman who really needs no introduction, Survival Horror's most famous heroine, Jill Valentine. Ms. Valentine first avoided becoming a Jill Sandwich in 1996's Resident Evil, and her adventures continue today in the headshot-happy rail shooter, Umbrella Chronicles. She's also starred in three Horrifying For A Totally Different Reason feature length films, and is the most recognizable character besides the window-crashing zombie dogs of the RE series. Go, Jill! Ah, so many good times to remember. Splattering zombie craniums in the Umbrella mansion. Fleeing from Nemesis in a miniskirt and tube top. Totally out-cooling Chris Redfield's scenario by finding the bazooka and then going to town on some Hunters, Rambo-style. The list goes on and on. Many Survival Horror fans my age cut their teeth on the first Resident Evil. Despite the crippled difficulty level of Jill's scenario and her shared screen time with Chris, our Lady Zombie Killer Extraordinaire remains more recognizable -- and more popular -- than her male counterpart to this day. Specially trained in the US Delta Force, a natural crack-shot and lock-picking master, she's one hundred percent badass even with a goofy sweatshirt tied around her waist. The Bottom Line: If you were staring down a scary-ass Crimson Head with her, you'd best just step back and let her trusty bazooka do the talking. We're at the end of the line, folks! Stop by next Monday for the very last installment of our spooky scale, and meet my top two picks for the most effective heroines in all of Survival Horror! Labels: BomberGirl, Scale, Survival Horror
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Horror Heroine Effectiveness Scale, Part 3
(Check out Part 1 and Part 2 of the scale!) How it works: For the next few weeks, I'll be serving up two rankings every Monday. Since this is a scale, we'll be going from number 10 -- the absolutely least effective Survival Horror heroine out there -- all the way to number 1 -- the greatest of the great. 6. Rebecca Chambers  Appears In: The Resident Evil seriesHorror Effectiveness: Tolerably Adequate Rationale: Poor Rebecca. She didn't ask to appear in her own game. And yet we have Resident Evil 0, a completely unneeded prequel that occurs simultaneously with the original RE (instead of, you know, providing us with any juicy information about the beginnings of Umbrella, if we still even care at this point). Ms. Chambers is a medic for STARS's inept Bravo team, and finds herself trapped on a train filled with hungry hungry zombies with only a convicted murderer named Billy Coen to help her out. I would describe Rebecca's effectiveness in a Horror Situation with a simple "Ehh." Perhaps the only phenomenally stupid thing she does is conveniently forget to call for backup when the train is ravaged by hideous necrifying slugs, and instead opts to wander around on her own armed with a weeny little pistol and, uh, no medicine. Did I mention that she's a medic? Thank goodness for Billy Coen, the first muscley strongman on our scale that's required to rescue a heroine from carnivorous beasties every five minutes, not to mention the fact that Rebecca is, health-wise, the weakest protagonist of all the RE games . . . but, she is a medic, so for the sake of plot, I can dig it. So Rebecca is just . . . okay. She's middling. She sits quite nicely at the center of our scale, since, despite briefly filling a Damsel In Distress role for Billy, she's at least active in her plot, and presumably trained to survive in said Horror Situation. She briefly appears in the original RE as well, and is actually one of the few supporting characters who survives . . . unless you decide not to save her. Then you find her headless body later in the game. Poor girl. The Bottom Line: If you were fighting off squishy parasitic slugs in a train car with her, just chew an Herb mixture and heft your gun. You'll probably be fine. 5. Koudelka Iasant  Appears In: Koudelka (PS1, 2000), Shadow Hearts (PS2, 2001)Horror Effectiveness: Cool and Collected Rationale: So Koudelka the game is an interesting mix of Survival Horror and RPG -- and by interesting mix I mean a gorgeous, engaging game plagued by an unspeakably terrible and half-assed battle system. But the heroine of our story, Koudelka, the sardonic gypsy woman with psychic powers, outshines a nightmarish gameplay experience with pure sarcastic badassery. This is the part of the scale where things start looking up, folks, and I'm happy to usher in our first shining star. Koudelka first travels to the Nemeton Monastery on the bidding of a mysterious voice in her head. On her way, she rescues the clueless Edward Plunkett from a monster, gaining a travel companion. She saves Edward's skin yet again when the two stay in the care of a seemingly friendly old couple who are also, you know, poisoning their guests' food. When she finds Bishop James O'Flaherty curled up in terror of a deadly plant monster in the monastery garden, her adventuring party is complete, and I found myself understandably shocked and awed that, in a two-man one-woman party, the lady is our fearless leader. There's a lot to love about Koudelka. She actively explores the skin-crawling monastery with purpose instead of wandering around aimlessly. She keeps her cool in situations that have Edward and James whimpering, and even when she does show fear, she's . . . just allowed a spirit to communicate through her. I'll give you a sample of what the the spectral remnants of Nemeton Monastery have to say: "Kill them. They cut off my fingers. They crushed my legs. They smashed my head, cut out my guts. They took everything from me. They locked me up and chopped up my body."Spooky! Also, it pleases me every time James tries to bully Koudelka for not being Christian, she's quick to return with a cutting remark. Sardonic gypsy woman with psychic powers doesn't need your patriarchy! My only complaint about Koudelka is her presentation in the brilliant RPG follow-up Shadow Hearts. But I'll let you experience that for yourself. The Bottom Line: If you were being menaced by the vengeful spirits of a blood-soaked monastery with her, just keep your cool and collect all the weapons you can before they break. She'll take care of the rest. We're getting closer to the coveted top slots of our feature! Join me next Monday for Part 4 of the Horror Heroine Effectiveness Scale! Labels: BomberGirl, Scale, Survival Horror
Monday, April 14, 2008
The Horror Heroine Effectiveness Scale, Part 2
(Check out Part 1 of the scale! Do it now!) How it works: For the next few weeks, I'll be serving up two rankings every Monday. Since this is a scale, we'll be going from number 10 -- the absolutely least effective Survival Horror heroine out there -- all the way to number 1 -- the greatest of the great. 8. Alyssa Hamilton  Appears In: Clock Tower 3 (PS2, 2003)Horror Effectiveness: Hysterically Inept Rationale: It was difficult picking among the various and sundry Clock Tower protagonists, but in the end I felt that Ms. Hamilton was a little more deserving. Alyssa's stupidity may perhaps be best defined by her very first action of the game: while away at boarding school, she receives a letter from her mother warning her to stay away from the family mansion. Apparently, her mother's aim was to send her away until after her fifteenth birthday to keep her out of harm. Now that Mom's missing and it's mere days before Alyssa's fifteenth birthday, our plucky heroine decides it's time . . . to return to the family mansion. By herself. Days before her fifteenth birthday. Way to score those intelligence points, champ. From there, Alyssa's time-traveling, ghost-pacifying, and Magical Girl archery exploits more than showcase what she's truly made of. A cornerstone of Clock Tower gameplay is squealingly running away from big dudes who want to kill you, and Alyssa does mostly this, and if she's so much as lightly breathed upon by one of her adversaries she undergoes Panic Mode. In this state of mind, our brave protagonist goes into utter hysterics, flailing about this way and that with blurry vision, stumbling all over the place on rubbery legs, and crashing into shit. It's a wonder she stays alive at all. But stay alive she does. I have to give her credit here for being able to fight back. Her pursuers are about thirty times as incompetent as she is. You'd think charging around and hauling huge weapons of bloody annihilation would give them the edge, but, time and time again, this skinny little teenager bests them in what could be best described as wacky pranks. For example, there's a puddle on the ground. Alyssa flips a switch. A bumbling serial killer steps in said puddle and gets a nasty little shock. Congratulations, you're in a Looney Tunes short! And while I'm glad that Alyssa can more or less hold her own in boss fights, the Magical Girl archery aspect of it leaves much to be desired. The Bottom Line: If you were carousing through the bombed streets of London with her, you'd be better off wrestling the disgruntled ghosts with your bare hands. 7. Miku Hinasaki  Appears In: Fatal Frame (PS2, 2001), Fatal Frame III (PS2, 2005)Horror Effectiveness: Understandably Petrified Rationale: Due to the cookie-cutter nature of Fatal Frame protagonists, it's safe to say that Miku represents her fellow spectral photographers as a whole. The Fatal Frame series has been a favorite of mine for years now, and I still think that the first game ranks as one of the most terrifying gaming experiences of all time. Fatal Frame's success rests in its skin-crawling atmosphere, part of which owes a lot to protagonist Miku's scared-stiff countenance throughout. She's understandably petrified, navigating the bloody halls of the Himuro Mansion with nothing but a spectral camera to defend her, whimpering and trembling through every cutscene, and all the while as the player you know that, even though you're low on film and there's three ghosts chasing you and they have gouged-out eyes and they're screaming, "My eeeyeees, my eeeeyyeeees," you can't. Run. Away. The fuckers will chase you all over the mansion. Ooh, goosebumps! That's the core of it, though. I like Miku. She has a lot going for her that many female horror protagonists don't: she went to the mansion intentionally to rescue her missing brother instead of just tripping upon it or getting kidnapped; despite being scared out of her wits she has the capability and the willpower to fight back; and she never crumbles in shuffling panic when things get out of hand. Miku rounds off the "Incompetent to Not-as-Skilled" end of our scale quite nicely. Though she does fight back, she finds the Camera Obscura completely by accident, rendering her completely helpless if otherwise. And though she takes up much of her time in the game whimpering and quaking in her schoolgirl skirt, it feels realistic rather than comical and degrading (see also: Panic Mode). The Bottom Line: If you were exploring the gory underbelly of a haunted old mansion with her, you'd best stick close and ask for doubles of the cool pictures she takes. That's all for now! Please check back next Monday for part 3 of the Horror Heroine Effectiveness Scale! Labels: BomberGirl, Scale, Survival Horror
Monday, April 7, 2008
The Horror Heroine Effectiveness Scale, Part 1
As I'm sure you all know, we here at Girl in the Machine frickin' love Survival Horror games. They've twisted our minds and given us goosebumps since the golden days of our youth, and in the end we just can't get enough. There's been a recent drought of Survival Horror on the consoles lately, and as we try to cope we've put together a handy dandy scale of our favorite (and most hated) ladies of horror. It's the Horror Heroine Effectiveness Scale, ranking the capability of female protagonists so you don't have to! How it works: For the next few weeks, I'll be serving up two rankings every Monday. Since this is a scale, we'll be going from number 10 -- the absolutely least effective SH heroine out there -- all the way to number 1 -- the greatest of the great. I hope you all enjoy this little feature, and don't forget to check out our first scale, the Scale of RPG Heroines! Let's begin! 10. Fiona Belli  Appears In: Haunting Ground (PS2, 2005)Horror Effectiveness: Flailingly Useless Rationale: I wish I could say I picked up Haunting Ground by mistake. Perhaps I was distracted by something shiny, or just aching for a horror fix, or maybe my eye was gushing blood and I desperately needed to slap something over it. In any case, not only is Haunting Ground a frustrating trainwreck of a game, its heroine, Fiona, just can't keep herself from pissing me off every five minutes. HG began as an iteration of the Clock Tower series, so its gameplay mechanics are pretty much the same: a big scary guy chases you, and you run like the motherfucking dickens. It doesn't help Fiona's case that she's trussed up in a shirt closely related to a sausage casing, or that the game developers lovingly animated her disproportionate pair of mams to go sproi-oi-oing every time she takes a step. I'm being perfectly serious here, by the way -- the boob physics are so over-the-top that she could be walking on a trampoline. No wonder it's so difficult for her to get away. In every cutscene, Fiona whimpers and trips over her own feet and backs herself into every possible corner she can find, completely ignoring the ample radius of empty space surrounding her attacker. The smartest character in the game is her German Shepherd companion, Hewie, who could probably qualify for MENSA compared to Fiona's squealy panic and overwhelming idiocy. The Bottom Line: If you were trapped in an abandoned castle with her, you'd be better off getting help from a blobby patch of green mold stuck to the wall. 9. Jennifer  Appears In: Rule of Rose (PS2, 2006)Horror Effectiveness: Pitifully Incompetent Rationale: Rule of Rose is a horrible, awful, terrible game, but it has a lot of style and the plot is deliciously insane. As far as its protagonist goes, I think this picture of Jennifer pretty much sums it up. Our heroine spends basically all of the game hunched over in numbed horror, knees knocking, her eyebrows drawn up as if they're being tugged by fishing line. The lightest of blows nearly cripples her, causing her to stagger back in a recoil that takes, oh, about five minutes. Ah, but Jennifer fights back! Yes, armed with her deadly dessert fork, she throws an arm over her eyes and stabs blindly at the air, hoping against hope that she'll maybe nick something just a little bit. Don't worry, though -- she soon upgrades to a fruit knife! Okay, so eventually she gets her trembling hands on a magnum, but, as far as aim goes, you'd be better off trying to throw a basketball through a horseshoe, not to mention the gun can only hold one bullet at a time. And our poor unlucky heroine just can't get a break, what with fainting like a delicate Victorian noblewoman every other cutscene. Like Fiona, she's accompanied by an intelligent canine pal (this time a Labrador Retriever named Brown), and I have a sneaking suspicion that the dog is probably better off on his own. The Bottom Line: If you were trapped with her on a flying zeppelin full of little demon girls, you'd be better off ditching her for the dog and saving all of the biscuits for yourself. That's it for today! Stop on by next Monday for Part 2 of the Horror Heroine Effectniveness Scale! Labels: BomberGirl, Scale, Survival Horror
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Scale of RPG Heroines III
Part Three Welcome to the finale of our special three part series on heroines in role playing games. We’ll be exploring the highest points in this post. Keep in mind that this is a scale, not a “top ten” list. For example, Yuna's place in the ten spot indicates that she’s not exactly our role model here. Our mysterious woman in the number one spot is, by contrast, a video game messiah and everything you could ever hope your children might be. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously, okay?  3. Celes Celes is a strong woman—as a general within the Empire, she has proven both her strength and her wit. In combat, she is a competent fighter and a skilled magic user. Her Runic ability is not only defensive, but the MP she regains from absorbing enemy spells fuels her own. In other areas, she acts with kindness and compassion, resolutely working for the forces of good. And she can sing an aria pretty damn well, too! Celes most noteworthy characteristic comes from her realistic reactions and inner strength after Kefka rises to power. Cid revives her in the World of Ruin, she finds him sick and weakened. Reversing roles, she then cares for her new uncle and does her best to nurse him back to health. If the player does well, Cid survives to reveal that he has built a raft and sees her off as she begins her journey anew. More interestingly, if the player fails to heal Cid, he dies. Celes, believing that she may be the last person alive in the world, casts herself from a cliff in her despair. I’ll never forget seeing that teardrop glitter as she stepped over the edge—I mean, here I was in the third or fourth grade, and I was playing a character who just tried to kill herself! When she washes up on the beach and finds the seagull with Locke’s bandana, she realizes that she is not truly alone. Hopeful and inspired, she then takes Cid’s raft, setting sail into the unknown; after landing, she gathers the adventurers together for an assault against Kefka. It is through her force of will and determination that the part reunites for the final confrontation. And this is just a small thing, and totally my own opinion, but I’d argue that Celes is far more important than her love interest, Locke. I mean, you can beat the game without even getting Locke back in your party. And Final Fantasy XII’s “History of Final Fantasy” feature claims he was the protagonist! What? Maybe they should’ve taken a closer look at…  2. Terra Terra has to be one of the most interesting women in RPG history to date. Her journey for self discovery moves me every time I play the game. Even as a young lil’ gay boy, I identified with her outsider status. The human world tries to manipulate her at every turn, whether it’s the Emperor Gestahl or the leader of the Returners, Banon—Terra becomes their tool. The esper world cannot truly accept Terra, viewing her as tainted by her human mother. Despite the cruelty she has endured throughout her life, Terra overcomes her past. She not helps to raise the orphans of Mobliz but also protects them from invading monsters. When Celes & Co. attempt to recruit her, Terra initially refuses. She insists on remaining in her new home, perhaps the first place where she has felt welcome. For BomberGirl’s feelings on Terra, check out her article, “Some Words on Terra Branford.” She has expressed Terra’s virtues far more eloquently than I can.  1. Lenneth Valkyrie I adore Lenneth. She’s my videogame idol. Where to start? I love everything about her: her armor is appropriate for battle, providing a combination of protection and mobility. Because she can equip both swords and bows, she has tremendous versatility on the battlefield. Her voice actress is strong and beautiful. Initially cold and subservient, Lenneth makes a remarkable turnaround as the game progresses. Once a tool to the gods, she rebels against their plans, survives Ragnarok, and ascends to the top of the pantheon. Rising from an enslaved seventh-level goddess to All-Mother and Creator is quite a feat! Also, when Lenneth combines with Lezard’s homunculus, she becames part elf—this means that, unlike the other gods, she has the potential to grow, and so her status at the end of the game is only the beginning of her power! Conclusion? I’d go straight for Lenneth. She's practically perfect. Each woman’s placement on this list was a collaboration between BomberGirl, PlasmaRit, and me. The highly subjective opinions, however, are mine alone. If you just can’t accept what I said about your precious idol, I regret to inform you that my opinion probably won’t change. Sorry—but that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to listen to you! Do you think this scale is totally out of balance? Right on? Let us know!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Scale of RPG Heroines II
Part Two Welcome to a special three part series on heroines in role playing games. We’ll be exploring the high and low points together, hopefully appreciating the humor and seriousness that each candidate has to offer. Keep in mind that this is a scale, not a “top ten” list. For example, Yuna's place in the ten spot indicates that she’s not exactly our role model here. Our mysterious woman in the number one spot is, by contrast, a video game messiah and everything you could ever hope your children might be. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously, okay?  7. Karin Karin may not be the lead character of Shadow Hearts: Covenant, but you do begin the game playing as her (Yuri doesn’t even appear until after an hour or so of game play!). From the beginning, we become aware of Karin’s most noteworthy accomplishment; she has risen in the ranks of the German army during 1915—not an easy task for a woman in any era! She is also the only female leader we see in the game (Veronica serves Rasputin, Anastasia is too young to lead Russia). She is a competent fighter wielding her rapier in battle, and she utilizes crest graphs with equal ease. Sadly, like many of her fellow heroines, Karin falls victim to “I’m in love with the hero” syndrome. She’s hooked on Yuri. Never mind that the ambiguous ending suggests incest… it just leaves me wondering if she would have been as dedicated to saving the world if, say, Gepetto were the leading male. Also, Karin seems to lose it at inappropriate times, especially considering her status within the German military. That and her teeny-tiny refurbished puppet cloths are not “adventure appropriate.” Don’t even get me started on her bonus costume, which is actually even less than she normally wears. Damn micro-miniskirts.  6. Peach Peach appears in multiple games, series, and genres—we’ve seen her in side-scrollers, RPGs, sports games, racing games, and fighters. She can play tennis, golf, drive a go-kart, fight with a frying pan, levitate in midair, and all sorts of wondrous things. With her collection of games comes a vast array of portrayals. For example, the competent princess in Super Mario RPG stands in stark contrast to the bimbo from Super Smash Bros. Melee—I can hear her voice ascending in pitch with every word as she gasps, screeching, “Did I… wiiin?” Moments like these present a degree of saccharine sweetness that could kill diabetic players. It’s not the sweetness and niceness that’s the problem; however, hyper-sweetness contributes to fluffy, empty-headed stereotypes which rarely become applied to males. Of course, being burdened with the princess archetype, Peach gets captured a little too often and usually has to be rescued by Mario. At the same time, during other games she offers invaluable aid to Mario throughout his quests. Peach represents the standard because of all the different portrayals of her. She’s a fulcrum for the scale because we can’t point to a single game and say, “This is Peach.”  5. Lin A competent officer within the rebellious Trinity organization, Lin was trusted with mission to obtain Nina from the BioCorp labs. She represents a well rounded character with a sense of loyalty to her organization, a realistic fear that the sky no longer exists, and compassion for genics like Nina. She aids Ryu in taking Nina to the surface world, opening access to a place those in the underground considered a mere myth. For me, Lin has no particularly bad points. Her placement here in the middle of the scale is largely due to the nature of Breath of Fire IV: Dragon Quarter and her supporting role within the game. Because character development is spread out between occasional cut scenes at the beginning and end of the dungeons, we only have a few glimpses of Lin and her hopes, fears, and motivations. This problem is compounded by the fact that Dragon Quarter has a huge cast of characters. While we simply don’t know Lin that well, she still represent a balanced character with the potential to become someone great.  4. Koudelka Koudelka may present a hardened exterior to her allies, but she began her adventure in response to the call of a stranger in need. During her quest through the Nematon Monastary, she liberates the souls of the damned and puts angry spirits to rest. Even after her story is completed, she aids Yuri from a distance throughout the majority of Shadow Hearts. Particularly strong willed and independent for a woman in 1898, she is also the active leader of her group of adventurers. One strike against Koudelka comes from looking like goth Karin… Just kidding! But it’s eerie, isn’t it? Just like Karin, though, Koudelka is dressed poorly for an adventure with her short leather skirt and lacy bustier. Bad choices, Koudelka. Also, I feel as though in an effort to make a strong lead female, the game designers wanted to move away from a hyper-feminine heroine, resulting in an occasionally angry, heartless Koudelka. For me, the upside is that it’s refreshing to see a heroine stepping out of her usual roles. Each woman’s placement on this list was a collaboration between BomberGirl, PlasmaRit, and me. The highly subjective opinions, however, are mine alone. If you just can’t accept what I said about your precious idol, I regret to inform you that my opinion probably won’t change. Sorry. But feel free to defend your favorites or bring up points I forgot in the comments section! See you next week to discuss our top three! Labels: Calabar, RPG, Scale, Stereotypes
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
The Scale of RPG Heroines
Part One Welcome to a special three part series on heroines in role playing games. We’ll be exploring the high and low points together, hopefully appreciating the humor and seriousness that each candidate has to offer. Keep in mind that this is a scale, not a “top ten” list. For example, Yuna's place in the ten spot indicates that she’s not exactly our role model here. Our mysterious woman in the number one spot is, by contrast, a video game messiah and everything you could ever hope your children might be. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously, okay?  If we looked at one aspect of Yuna, she might have scored higher, but the combined effects of her two distinct personalities have landed her in the ten spot. In Final Fantasy X, she has a heart of gold, if nothing else. She’s accessible to the average player, and she’s a bad ass with her aeons. Unfortunately, as the folks at Wing Heart Productions have pointed out, apparently Yuna is part Siberian husky. She blurts out everything, bows spastically, and is otherwise constantly overeager to please. Her resolve towards her quest is strong, but in general she lacks a backbone. Every time she gets that dejected look on her face, I want to shake her and shout, “Speak up for yourself!” That’s all in the past now, though. In Final Fantasy X-2, she’s toughened up a bit and has learned to stand up for herself… sometimes. She’s still the same sweetheart, and I can’t lie--some of her Dresspheres are exceedingly fabulous (Floral Fallal, anyone?). It’s a shame we have to stare at her skanktastic Gunner Dressphere through all the cutscenes. Perhaps the Garment Grid and Dresspheres were developed to save Yuna from this tragedy? We may never know the truth. But really, isn’t this supposed to be a so-called “girls’ game?” Who was this character designed for, then? That, and things like “disasteriffic” and “oh poopie!” make me wanna hurl. More than anything, it’s Yuna’s motivations that make me squirm. The entire game is primarily motivated by her search for Tidus (Dismantling Vegnagun is hardly a priority until the end of the game!).  For some reason, few people have played the Tales of Symphonia series. Let me give you a quick rundown of Colette’s story. Ahem… “I’m the daughter of an angel! I’m going on a quest to martyr myself and regenerate the world! I love doggies!” … and that about sums it up. Yes, she really does get a bonus “title” if you talk to all the dogs in the world. What’s Colette got going for her? I love that her design is appropriate for her pilgrimage. She has a modest coat that looks like it would keep her cool in hot climates and warm in cold ones. Like Yuna, she’s kind and has a good sense of loyalty. Other than that, I have to wonder what goes through her head. She’s excessively ditzy and klutzy. I’m shocked that this is the best Sylvarant’s education system can muster for its Chosen One. She knows her hymns, prayers, and a few myths here and there. The clumsy girl literally crashes through walls on multiple occasions throughout the game (in the classroom where the game begins, for instance). At least the other characters don’t accept it as completely normal. She has some bad ass spells and fights with a pair of chakram, but for some reason her special attacks involve sqeaky piyo hammers. That certainly takes the edge off. Some of her titles (a system used to modify stat bonuses when leveling up) from the game include: Klutz, Maid, Turbo Waitress, Ironing Board, and Oblivious.  Shion’s got a few good things going for her: she has compassion, and as head of the research and development department at Vector Industries, she’s a genius. Shion’s greatest strength lies in her refusal to budge on issues concerning Realian rights. Concerning Shion’s intellect, the “oblivious genius” thing really annoys me. It’s a poor reflection on smart people--as if their intelligence automatically makes them ignorant of romantic advances. Granted, Allen isn’t exactly the best at expressing his feelings, but damn. I’m pretty dense, and even I would’ve figured it out before she did. It doesn’t help that her space cadet quality is further enhanced by her voice actor and the way she dramatically swings her arms from side to side as she runs. Each woman’s placement on this list was a collaboration between BomberGirl, PlasmaRit, and me. The highly subjective opinions, however, are mine alone. If you just can’t accept what I said about your precious idol, I regret to inform you that my opinion probably won’t change. Sorry. But feel free to defend your favorites or bring up points I forgot in the comments section! See you next week to discuss spots seven through four! Labels: Calabar, RPG, Scale, Stereotypes
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