Girl in the Machine - This guy are sick.

Friday, May 2, 2008

First Friday Drinking Game

May is finally here, with summer just around the corner. The release of Mario Kart Wii last weekend was the excuse we all needed to get to the summertime slackin'--even if we students still have a few finals left. The Mario Kart series has been a foundation of my gaming history since I was in preschool, and aside from the occasional spin-outs, it's only gotten better with age. In celebration of the new release, I've compiled a list of drinking game rules you can use on any Mario Kart game you want to drink to. Sure, drinking and driving is never a good idea, but it's totally worth playing Rainbow Road while you're sloshed.

1 drink for fucking up a shortcut jump
1 drink for attempting Super Mario Kart's Rainbow Road
1 additional drink for each fall on Rainbow Road
1 drink if you try to wrangle up 16 people for a grand prix in Double Dash
2 drinks when (not if) your online opponent signs out early in a race in MK DS
1 drink every time Toad talks with his Country Guy Voice in MK 64
2 drinks for Toad's Cracked-Out Voice in Double Dash
1 drink per collision with a cow/penguin/mole/other assorted animal
1 drink per fall into ice, chocolate, lava, water, or endless pit
2 drinks for accidentally using an item instead when you're trying to hold it behind you
3 drinks each time you trade an awesome item for a crappy green shell
1 drink if your online opponent snakes through and entire course in MK DS
1 drink if you get hit by a blue shell
2 drinks if you get hit by it on a jump

And finally:

Finish your drink if you decide to play Toad's Turnpike in Extra Mode while drunk--if you're going to "I'm cool to drive" through a course that involves semi trucks hurtling at you, you may as well go all-out

Warning: Excessive drinking during gameplay may result in severely-affected driving skills and an increased likelihood of getting fishooked by Lakitu. Play with caution!

Think I forgot something? Suggest a rule in the comments section!

What drinking games do YOU want to play every month? If there is any genre or specific game you want featured in FFDG, drop me a line at PlasmaRit at gmail dot com.

Labels: First Friday Drinking Game, Mario Bros., PlasmaRit

Posted by PlasmaRit
7:20 PM + Link to this post
0 comments

Friday, January 4, 2008

First Friday Drinking Game

Happy New Year, kiddies! Drag out the half-empty bottles of champagne and get ready for the the first FFDG of 2008!

Several of you probably received a copy of Super Mario Galaxy over the holiday season, and to celebrate this wondrous occasion, January's drinking game is all about Mariooo iiiin spaaaaaace. And really, who can resist pairing bubbly, sparkly champagne with this bubbly, sparkly game? Hand the kids some white grape juice and let's get crackin':

1 drink for every level featuring the Bowser Jr.'s (seriously, what happened to the koopalings?)
1 drink for every curse word uttered during those insane ball-rolling-over-hole-punched terrain stages
2 drinks for stages that involve holding the Wii-mote perfectly vertical (this rule can be combined with the previous one)
1 drink every time Cosmic Mario just barely beats you
1 drink for each boss battle that involves hitting it with its own projectiles
1 drink each time you fall off that stupid water race track
1 drink for every Cosmic Comet that appears
2 drinks for every Speed Comet that appears (to get you fired up and ready)
3 drinks for every Daredevil Comet that appears (so dying won't seem so bad)
1 drink every time you consider feeding a Luma until it explodes to be kind of weird
1 drink whenever the mushroom space crew's cracked-out voices creep you the fuck out
2 drinks whenever Luigi gets himself into a pickle (warning: this rule is for the hardcore)
3 drinks for realizing that Rosalina looks exactly like Peach with an emo swoosh

And finally:
Finish your drink when Peach ends up getting kidnapped AGAIN (really, girl should invest in some effective body guards by now)

Warning: Excessive drinking during game play may result in drunkenly-guiding Mario into a blackhole to his stretchy, implodey death. Play with caution!

Think I forgot something? Suggest a rule in the comments section!

What drinking games do YOU want to play every month? If there is any genre or specific game you want featured in FFDG, drop me a line at PlasmaRit at gmail dot com.

Labels: Action Adventure, First Friday Drinking Game, Mario Bros., PlasmaRit

Posted by PlasmaRit
2:43 PM + Link to this post
1 comments

Monday, October 29, 2007

No, not so peachy.

I know I can't be the only one who's disappointed that Super Smash Bros. Brawl has been delayed until February. Like many others, I've been watching the official Smash Bros. Dojo like a hawk, trying to guess who Nintendo would include (or, as the case may be, not include) in their ever-exploding cast next. Other updates to the site include descriptions of the combatants' Final Smash moves -- super special attacks that typically blow away everyone on the screen.

And man, do they look cool. Mario unleashes a smoldering eruption of fire, Fox's Landmaster tears up everything in sight, and Bowser balloons into the mega-scary, mega-awesome Giga Bowser that I'm sure many of you remember from Super Smash Bros. Melee. Clicking through the characters, it's not difficult to get excited about each one, and you start to guess what the next Final Smash move could be before you scroll down to check it out for yourself.

I got particularly excited about Peach. How was my favorite Super Mario character going to kick ass? Was she going to arm herself with a gigantic parasol that has the power to wipe everyone from the screen in a single swoop? Or perhaps she'd fire a wicked laser from her blue brooch because no one has any clue why she has always had it anyway?

What could it be?

Oh, she's about to do it, guys! I am so pumped.

Aww, cute, it's like a photobooth.

Wait, wha?

Peaches?! She just gets peaches?

That's right, folks. Mario may be able to conjure up a volatile pillar of surging flamey death, but the best that Peach can muster is a sleeping spell and a bushel of fresh, fuzzy peaches. To be fair, one can conceivably kick ass while everyone's dropping off like it's a Sunday morning, but what are normal kicks and punches when you could sprout celestial wings and belch torrents of fire? Even cute little asexual bundle of puff Kirby does some damage with his formidable Stew Pot of Death, and yet Peach is left twirling around as Ambien incarnate. Awesome.

Why? Why stick Peach with the lame defensive move? Isn't it enough that she's always getting Koopnapped and having extreme hormonal mood swings? A comically huge frying pan would have been better than this, or even explodey peaches that fall, ticking, from the sky and blow up on impact. Peach can hold her own on the Smash Bros. battlefield and yet her silly moves have got all of us laughing at her again.

And don't get me started on how Samus's Final Smash blasts off all of her armor.

Labels: BomberGirl, Fighter, Mario Bros., Stereotypes, Super Smash Bros.

Posted by BomberGirl
9:56 AM + Link to this post
6 comments

Friday, June 29, 2007

A Tribute to Birdo

Super Mario Bros. 2 introduced a lot of new and strange creatures to the Super Mario universe. Baddies like Snifit and Shy Guy are now firmly rooted in the melting pot of the Mario franchise, fairly unchanged; some have evolved into new characters, while others have just fallen by the wayside. Birdo was a baddie who appeared several times in SMB 2 as a mini boss who would spit huge white eggs at our brave hero. Looking like some strange powder-pink Yoshi with a huge tubular mouth and big red bow, Birdo is certainly an interesting sight to behold--and has physically remained unchanged over the years. However, Nintendo has given Birdo a change all right. Here's a description of the baddie in the original SMB 2 instruction manual:

In other words, Birdo is a big, pink tranny. He seems to be the first transgendered character in video game history, and isn't he just lovely? It's something that makes Birdo just a little more unique--as if he needed it, really. However, it seems that he caused a bit of a stir over at Nintendo (at least in America), and Birdo received a sex change as the years went by.

Why would they change Birdo female? There are a few possibilities. One may be that Birdo's colorful back story may have just been overlooked. Maybe he decided to go ahead and make the full change from man to woman himself, which would make sense. It's also just as likely that Nintendo felt there would be a problem with the gender-bending baddie. Nintendo is notorious for their "For the children!" attitude, so it is not surprising that Birdo would ultimately have to switch teams. But why should it even be a problem in the first place? He's not hurting anyone--well, with his lifestyle, anyway. Those eggs can be a real bitch sometimes.

Now that Birdo is becoming more of a well-known character in the Mario world (such as being playable in Super Mario Tennis), it's too bad that he couldn't retain his origins. He could have added a little diversity into the cast, and who knows? Maybe he would have made some little boy trying on his sister's dress out there feel a little less alone. So here's to you, Birdo; even though Nintendo may be trying to cover up your lifestyle, you'll always be a tranny to me. Keep on parading around with your beauty mark and perfectly-mascaraed lashes, girl!

Birdo is featured on Gay Gamer's Top 20 Gayest Video Game Characters -- congratulations!
VG Cats also gives a nod to Birdo's little secret.

Labels: Character Spotlight, LGBT, Mario Bros., PlasmaRit, Platforming

Posted by PlasmaRit
2:23 PM + Link to this post
1 comments

Monday, June 11, 2007

On the Rag in the Mushroom Kingdom

I would like to thank Peach for showing off her best Blow-Up Doll Impression for us this evening!

Super Princess Peach was the first game I bought for my Nintendo DS. Of course, my line of thinking was, Kick ass! Peach finally gets her own game, and she's not baking cakes or hitting people with frying pans or anything! Admittedly, Peach has always been my favorite Mario Bros. character, though in more recent years that's been getting harder and harder to stand by.

I wish I could say that SPP was any help at all, but alas. Alas.

First of all, SPP succeeds in deviating from the typical Super Mario format with sometimes huge, multi-tiered levels, various puzzles (including a literal jigsaw), a shop for buying power-ups, mini games, and tons of unlockable levels. Unfortunately, that's where the good things stop.

The premise? Mario and Luigi get plumbernapped and taken to Bowser's summer home on Vibe Island -- yes, you heard me right -- where the Koopa King has acquired the all powerful -- here it comes -- Vibe Sceptre. So, it's up to Peach to travel to Vibe Island and rescue the boys before Bowser . . . Vibes them to death (I'm so, so sorry).

All completely gratuitous sexual innuendo aside, I'd like to get to the real kicker for this game.

In his adventures, Mario gets to utilize Fireballs and Invincibility Stars to help him get the job done.

In SPP, Peach uses mood swings.

Yes, you heard me correctly. The boys get winged caps and the like and the girls fight evil with their unstable emotions. Who needs Fire Flowers when your premenstrual rage causes you to burst into flames? And Beanstalks? Peach and her can't-take-the-pressure bouts of wild sobbing cause plants to burst from the ground! I was half-expecting Toad to bring her a bucket of ice cream and a Midol, just to keep the stereotypes rolling.

My beef with the game isn't that it's slathered in pink or decorated with hearts and flowers. No, the concept of "girliness" doesn't offend me just by itself; Peach has always been saccharine and overly-femme, and this has its charms. However, it's the blatant female stereotypes incorporated into the game that do the job. The obvious parallels between SPP and Mario's adventures underscore how SPP is (misguidedly) marketed to female gamers, making it a "Gurlz Game" wherein the girly heroine does girly things. The Damsel Rescues the Hero concept becomes a gimmick instead of something cool and new and empowering.

SPP reflects Nintendo's superb talent in severely underestimating its female customers. The laughable difficulty level, the marketing, and the horrible execution of what could have been a fresh concept for the Mario franchise attempts to separate girl gamers from the rest of the crowd as uninitiated, unskilled, and lacking in any taste. It simply oozes the sexism that gaming companies wield when attempting to market towards the wimmins.

In the end, all I can say is that at least she wasn't baking anyone a cake.

(Thanks to IGN for the images.)

Labels: BomberGirl, Mario Bros., Platforming, Stereotypes