Girl in the Machine
Monday, December 10, 2007
2007 Spike TV Video Game Awards

Two Hours I’ll Never Get Back



As far as video game awards go, I’m not sure how much of a big deal the Spike TV awards show is, but I knew I was setting myself up for a frustrating night—I mean, it’s a “men’s network” named after a phallus. After watching the show, I don't have a very high impression of the awards. Fortunately, good games are still good games, and being featured on the Spike Network doesn't necessarily hurt their enjoyability.

On the runway before the show, I saw naked women painted all swirly and psychedelic with the Spike Video Games Awards logo screen printed on their bodies. I soon learned that these women would be presenting the awards. Samuel L. Jackson, the master of ceremonies for the evening, later commented, “And the winner is. . . all of us.” When he heard my surprise, a friend commented, “It’s Spike TV.” The problem is that it’s never okay no matter what the channel is.

Each award had a different woman painted up in a fashion corresponding to the winning game. The idea in and of itself is cool—maybe different costumed people giving out the awards. The Spike VGAs laid it all out on the table, though. They made no effort to hide the objectification.

The intro begins with a group of buff men infiltrating the hotel in Las Vegas, jumping over railings, doing flips over banisters, and handstands down escalators. How extreme. I mean, the gymnastics are cool and all, but I came here to see a show about video games.

As I mentioned earlier, was hosting—his jokes and stuff at the beginning of the show were hardly tolerable, but at least I knew who he was. I’m not exactly up to date on pop culture, so was a bit disinterested in the majority of the guests. I was pretty psyched to see Tila Tequila in the audience. It’s shameful how much I enjoy A Shot at Love. Even though she doesn’t look like a real human being (perhaps an anime character?) and probably doesn’t actually play video games, I still like her.

They did a special edition of her show, actually, where she had to make her final choice over the new consoles. Look at the Wii, she praised it for being active an fun for all ages. The PS3 was both a high roller and high maintenance—just like her. For Xbox 360, I’m not sure what it means but “the name says it all” and they have the same curves. It turns out she’s trigame-ual and ends up picking all three.

I was also a little disappointed that the Video Games Live Orchestra only played during the commercials and one short retro-medley featuring games like Pong, Donkey Kong, and Tetris. During Kid Rock’s musical performance, some women in leather bodices and short skirts paraded up and down the catwalk.

They also had a segment during the commercials called “Hot Girls with Cheat Codes” sponsored, of course, by Tag.

Last Night’s Awards:
Hottest Newcomer — Kristen Bell (from Assassin’s Creed)
Best Game Based on a Movie or TV Shows — The Simpsons
Best Team Sports Game — Madden NFL 08
Best Individual Sports Game — Skate
Best RPG — Mass Effect
Best Handheld Game — Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Best PS3 Game — Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction
Best Graphics — Crysis
Best Action Game — Super Mario Galaxy
Best Driving Game — Dirt
Best PC Game and Breakthrough Technology — The Orange Box
Studio of the Year — Harmonix
Most Addictive Video Game — Halo 3
Best Rhythm Game — Rock Band
Best Soundtrack — Rock Band
Best Shooter Game — Call of Duty 4
Best Military Game — Call of Duty 4
Best Xbox 360 Game — Bioshock
Best Original Score — Bioshock
Game of the Year — Bioshock

The quotation of the night preceded the Best Shooter award. Referring to the first Medal of Honor game, a man said, “What the fuck? A World War II game with no blood? That’s pretty gay!”

I got exactly what I expected from the Spike VGAs, and now I wish I could get those hours back. They’re gone forever.

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 Posted by Calabar
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